Ouran You Do Dolls
by kittypirate17
Summary: Ouran High story with a Fairly Oddparents idea. Decided to make more. This is for mature readers who think adult humor is funny.
1. Chapter 1

The Kasanoda You Do Doll

Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran

"Are you sure this is going to work, Nekozawa?" asked Ayanokoji as she held the doll with stone like features and red hair. "This will bring Tamaki back to me and Kasanoda will go to Haruhi right?"

"Of course it will!" said Nekozawa from under his black cloak "If I did the incantation right…"

"All I have to do now is wait for the opportune moment and strike." smirked Ayanokoji. Kasanoda walked into the host clubroom, and they silently followed him.

"Fujioka!" he called out "Are you okay?" they heard him say, and there was what sounded like an awkward moment, so they saw what was going on. Fujioka was undressing, and his undergarments showed that he was a she. With the blushing Kasanoda, Ayanokoji had found the opportune moment she was waiting for and waited until Kasanoda was in the eyesight of Hikaru and Kaoru.

"You saw her, didn't you?!" they glared. Ayanokoji let him answer the first few questions, but when the twins asked "How much of her virgin skin that even we haven't seen have you seen", she took over. She pulled the doll closer to her mouth and whispered something in its ear.

Kasanoda felt someone or something taking over his mind as he said "I have seen her totally nude!" he clapped his hands over his mouth. The look on the twins faces were that of disbelief, shock, and total mortification. Tamiki's facial expression was that he went completely white and his soul was sneaking out of his nose. Mori had the same expression on his face like always, but his mind was full of dirty thoughts. "Oh god, I am so sorry! What I meant to say was" he felt the thing taking over him again, "that I banged her like a Swiss army drum!" Even Kyoyo had looked up from his accounting pad to look horrified. Honey was pressing his hands against his ears so he could not hear what was going on, because Mori had instructed him to do so.

_This is so great!_ Thought Ayanokiji _I think that I will have some more fun with them!_

Tamaki was starting to cry "My daughter isn't a virgin anymore!"

"Ewww…." said Hikaru and Kaoru as they washed out their eyes and ears.

Ranka had over heard from the hallway, and came running in. "WHAT?! YOU HAD TAKEN MY DAUGTHER'S VIRGINITY?!" He picked Kasanoda up and threw him across the room, and pounced on his stomach like a tiger about to devour its prey.

"No! It's not like that!" insisted Kasanoda. "I just.." he felt it again "wanted to hit that shit and make her moan like a little bitch!" _What is making me say these horrible things?!_ he thought.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!" said Ranka as he pressed his heels into Kasanoda's groin area. "Little boy, I may be in a dress and heels, but I can still kick your ass into next week!"

"It was an accident!" heaved Kasanoda.

_What is wrong with this stupid doll?!_ thought Ayanokoji as she shook the doll, because it had stopped doing what she had made it do before. She turned the doll over to see that the seal was broken and the incantation had wore off.

"No, I did not have sex with your daughter, yes she is still a virgin, and no I do not think of her in that way!" he gasped for breath in between words. "I felt like someone or something was controlling my speech, making me say these horrid things."

"Here is the perpetrator!" said Haruhi as she pointed out Ayanokoji in the shadows. Haruhi was blushing badly as she was buttoning up the jacket and doing her tie. "What are you doing?!"

"I was trying to get Tamaki back!" snapped Ayanokoji, throwing down the doll.

"You can have him, honey! I have no romantic feelings towards him anyway!"

"Really? Then why does he keep ogling you?"

"He doesn't understand that no means no!" Then, Renge had come up from the floor.

"He is persistent because he loves you Haruhi! LONG LIVE MOE!"

The punishment for Ayanokoji was that she was expelled from Ouran High School, eventually run out of town, and she is now working as a laundry woman in Osaka. As for Haruhi, she eventually said yes to Tamaki's advances and has been dating him for two years. Honey and Mori went on to be masters of judo and kendo, the twins became swimsuit designers just like their mother, and Kyoyo became head of his family's medical company. As for Kasanoda, he and Ranka are doing just fine.


	2. Chapter 2

The Haruhi and Kyouya You Do Dolls

A/N: This is meant for those who find adult humor funny. If you are not of age or do not find adult humor funny, do not read this.

Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran or the idea of You Do Dolls.

It was another boring day in the third music room, when the hidden door to the Black Magic Club creaked open. The Hitachiin brothers were the only ones in the area, so they wanted to see what Nekozawa senpai wanted. "I have created two new dolls." He produced a Haruhi doll and a Kyouya doll from his dark cloak. "Here is some American CDs I got from my cousin who is visiting America. He says that they should do you some good, but don't listen to them until you use the dolls properly."

"Okay, how much do we owe you?" said the twins as Kaoru took the Kyouya doll and Hikaru took the Haruhi doll.

"This is free of charge. Since you helped me reunite with my dear sister Kirimi, it was the least I can do." He smirked as he disappeared into the shadows.

"This is going to be fun." The twins said as they got out their walkmans and placed the CDs inside. "That devil bitch Eclaire is coming today, so lets make this last."

The ladies started walking in, and today's theme was American Mobsters. Tamaki was dressed as Al Capone, Kyouya was dressed as George "Machine Gun" Kelly, Honey and Mori were dressed as showgirls, and Haruhi was dressed as one of Capone's lackys.

Just as things were getting underway, the twins faked getting sick and ran into the nearest bathroom, which was attached to the third music room. They put the headphones on the dolls and pressed play. Haruhi was talking with some of the girls when they ran out of coffee. She got up to tell Tamaki that she was going out to buy some more after hours, but as she got close enough to him. She felt something take over her. Instead of "I'm going to get more coffee when the guests leave", the most vulgar thing came out as "The royal penis is clean your highness."

Tamaki turned bright red and the ladies and other hosts were silent as Haruhi clasped her hands over her mouth. "Ha…ru…hi?" said Tamaki as the twins were shocked from the bathroom, because she had said it as loud as she possibly can. Eclaire had obviously heard her, so she was trying her best not to get up and punch that Haruhi's lights out.

"Hikaru! Turn the CD player off!" said Kaoru as he was making vomiting sounds.

"I'm trying!" Hikaru said as he fiddled with the CD player, finally getting it off. "Oh god, Haruhi will never speak to us again if she finds out."

"Who said she has to find out?" said Kaoru as the evil glint in his eyes, but he accidentally pressed play on his CD player to Kyouya's doll. Kyouya had gotten up to suggest that Haruhi take the rest of the day off before she humiliated herself and the other hosts any further. He was within three feet of the blushing Tamaki and the humiliated Haruhi when he felt a tingle in his brain. Out of nowhere, the phrase "Fuck that bitch up the ass" escaped his lips. Now Kyouya was blushing with humiliation and Tamaki was very angry.

"How dare you suggest that I do such an indecent thing to my daughter?!" he said getting up in Kyouya's face before his head blew up.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!" said Kyouya as he tried to walk away. However Haruhi had pushed him aside and started dancing.

"Dontcha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Dontcha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?" She started taking off her top to reveal a lace bra.

"Haruhi! Daddy says to put your clothes back on!" said Tamaki as he was trying to cover her breasts from being seen. From the bathroom the twins were rushing to try and get the stop button to work. Eclaire was mortified to find out that Haruhi was a girl, and so were Haruhi's fans. They were traumatized to find out that the man they had been lusting for was a woman.

The newspaper club was having a field day on the ceiling. Not saying a word, they were snapping pictures left and right to capture the scoop. "Now students will read this issue because this is actually true. Good thing I paid for those dolls before hand and told Nekozawa to give them for free." Said the president to himself with misguided glee. One of his lackys was with a tape recorder, and the other with a video camera capturing all the action. When Haruhi began to strip, they found out that she was a girl and their noses began to bleed.

Kyouya saw the blood falling from the ceiling and looked up. He saw the newspaper club with cameras, a tape recorder and a video camera and he changed into a vengeful person. He took out a bow and arrow set he kept with him at all times, and he shot the ropes that were keeping the newspaper club up. He ran up to them and demanded all the evidence be destroyed. "You have made an enemy of the Ootori Family. Prepare to die." He said as he put an arrow in each of their heads. He then stomped on the cameras and the tape recorder.

The twins knew they were in deep shit if they were caught with the dolls, so they snuck out of the bathroom and laid them on Elcaire's things. She took no notice of them and looked through her binoculars to see Tamaki's expression of disbelief as Kyouya killed the newspaper club. Honey was on top of Mori's shoulders and had a bird's eye view of the entire room. He caught sight of the dolls and he leaped off of Takashi's shoulders and said out loud "Eclaire's the one who's been making Kyochan and Haruchan say those dirty things!"

All eyes were on Eclaire as she denied the allegations. "I most certainly did not!" she said as she was blushing hard.

"You stole those dolls from Nekozawa-senpai!" the twins pointed at her to lift the blame off them and onto her. "She also stole our CD players to play that vulgar music in the presence of these lovely ladies!"

Eclaire couldn't take anymore of the lies, so she ran out of the room crying. When she returned home, she enrolled in Lobelia High School and met her future life partner, Benibara. They are expecting their first child in February via artificial insemination. The Host Club hid the bodies of the Newspaper Club in the morgue in one of the Ootori Family's hospitals, and were never suspected of anything having to do with the deaths. Kyouya forcefully made Nekozawa-senpai cast a spell on the entire school that erased their memories. Tamaki and Haruhi had begun dating the day after the incident happened, and the twins kept the dirty secret to themselves, but Mori and Honey had seen them take the dolls into the bathroom, but they did not want to say anything.

"Eclaire kept making rude remarks about our dresses when she thought we were out of earshot." Said Mori.

"Well, I didn't like what she was wearing either. Then again, if I were to look like a frigid bitch for the rest of my life, I wouldn't look so constipated." Said Honey as he took a bite of his cake.


	3. Chapter 3

What Happened When Kirimi Found the Dolls

Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran or the you do doll ideas.

A/N: This may or may not be adult humor, I'm not really sure because I'm making this up as I go along. I am aware that the character endings might change, these chapters are like what ifs for me.

The host club members were recovering from the incident that occurred last month. If they could just find out where Nekozawa sempai kept those dolls, they could destroy them for good. Kyouya was peeved that even his best police force officers could not find them. They searched every room in the entire school and his house for them, but nary was a single doll found.

The only room the officers didn't bother to look was in little Kirimi's room. Since she was only five years old, they didn't feel the need to check her room thoroughly. They only took a quick look into her room, and they left.

**One Month Ago:**

. When Kirimi returned home from kinder garden that day, she went straight up to her room to do some coloring when she noticed the door to her brother's room was open. Even though she did not like the dark, she walked in warily. In the corner, she had found a trunk that was open and filled with dolls that looked like the host club. "Yay! Big brother made me dollies to play with!" she squealed gleefully as she lifted up one that looked like the blonde haired boy who she thought was her brother. "You are Daddy!" she said as she spun around with him. She then picked one up that looked like the boy with dark hair and glasses. "And you are mommy!" She then sat and thought really hard "Now what is it that mommies and daddies do? Oh, yes!" she said as she bought the two dolls together for a kiss. She had learned that from watching her own mommy and daddy does that.

The day of the banquet had arrived. Tamaki's family would be attending, even his decrepit old hag of a grandmother. Kyouya's father would be attending too, much to the host club's dismay. After Tamaki had found his father flirting with Haruhi, he thought _I am so going to get my revenge. Nobody make a move on my daughter!_ After Kyouya's father had slapped him, he too thought the same thing. Even the part about his daughter, which he thought was creepy even for him. They both got up and were immediately pulled toward each other and the landed a kiss right on the lips. Again, everything was silent, including Tamaki's family and Kyouya's dad. The two boys blushed as the numerous squeals of joy came from the girls who thought that the two of them together was sexy. Their families did not think of it that way.

Kirimi noticed that something did not look right about the mommy. She then realized that the mommy did not have anything up front and she was not wearing a dress. She took the entire trunk in her room where she could see well. She went into her toy chest and got out some of Barbie dresses that she thought "Mommy" would look pretty in. She had picked out a red strapless dress and matching shoes. She had begun to change the doll into the dress. Off came the shirt, then pants and then the boxers. Then came the slipping on of the shoes and the dress.

For some reason, Kyouya had attacked the closest girl to him and attempted to take off her dress. His father was still in shock and had not moved from where he was standing. "I'm sorry! I'm not doing this Miss!" He managed to get the dress off, and the girl had run out of the room, crying and screaming about a pervert. Kyouya had taken some shoes from another girl and began to disrobe. The girls that had not run after the girl who had her dress stolen off her body were having a field day when they saw Kyouya's naked chest, then his boxers and then we know what else is down there.

When the twins, Honey and Mori saw what was going on, they all slipped into the Black Magic Club to have a word with Nekozawa. "Why did you make those stupid dolls?!" they demanded.

"So I could sell them! I had no intention of bewitching them and turning them into tools of evil. Besides I don't have them with me. They are safe at home. The only one there now should be Kirim… crap." Sighed Nekozawa as he realized that Kirimi would think that they are just regular dolls. They all raced out there to stop whatever was going on, and they pulled the two aside.

Kirimi then picked up the twin's dolls "These two can be the babies." She said as she took off their clothes and put them in diapers. She then made the younger doll slap the older doll.

Kaoru had slapped Hikaru and the elder was angry. "What was that for?!" he said as he let go of Tamaki and pushed his brother away from Kyouya.

"Sorry! I don't know what came over me!" said Kaoru.

"A case of stupidity is what came over you!" said Hikaru hotly.

"Well, at least I'm the one who wears underwear to bed! That time when you had the elephant statue in front of your crotch! You were completely naked!" sneered Kaoru.

Hikaru gasped as he said "Your underwear does not even qualify as underwear! You still wear diapers for crying out loud!"

Kirimi looked at the doll of the little boy that was about her height with blonde hair. She then looked at the taller boy with a darker skin tone than the rest. "Where shall I put you two at?" she was eating some cake at the time, and she had put a small slice on one of the plates she had from her tea set and had the taller boy serve the smaller boy some cake. Her finger slipped and icing was all over the little boy's face.

Takashi had gotten up to get Mitsukini more cake and as he was walking back, his arm shoved the cake in Mitsukuni's face. He could not stop himself from saying "You like that, don't you bitch?" Poor Honey had tears in his eyes and Mori had the most expressions on his face for the first time since Kasanoda had referred to him as being uglier than the hounds of Hell.

"Takashi! Why did you put icing on my face and rub it in?" he questioned.

"I do not know." Was all he said. He knew he would be punished for that tonight.

The Suoh family was in shock as they saw the "dirty child" and the Ootori boy be hauled away by their friends. Grandmother Suoh was so shocked that she went into cardiac arrest and died. Mr. Ootori had requested an audience with Mr. Suoh immediately. "So, what is it you want to talk about, Ootori?" he said as he sat down in the empty third music room.

"Seeing our sons kiss brings back old memories doesn't it Suoh?"

"Ootori, we were over years ago. Just like I was over with my wife when I met Tamaki's mother. Now, I think we should stop discussing this matter before someone hears us."

"Very well, but that is not why I asked you here."

"Get on with it then." He said nonchalantly.

"I am proposing the negotiations for when Kyouya and Tamaki marry each other."

"Okay. Not my choice for my son's life partner, but who can blame him? I had Kyouya's father."

"And what is wrong with my son?" Ootori asked as he got up to face his former lover.

"Nothing! If you like guys who are emotional arctic zones."

"Need I remind you who showed your son around when he first came into the life of being rich?"

"Need I remind you who let your son into Ouran?"

"Touché."

To the readers, where was Haruhi in all of this? Well, let me tell you. She was the one who unlocked Nekozawa's trunk, left his door open in hopes of Kirimi would go inside the room and find the dolls (she took hers for safe keeping of course) and play with them. She entered the room where Kirimi was and said "Very good, Kirimi-chan!" she scooped the little girl up and spun her around. "Now those damn rich bastards got what they deserved for making me their dog!"


	4. Hitachiin Dolls

The Hitachiin Dolls

Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran or the You Do Doll idea.

Dedications: To all of my readers, with love. Special dedication to valcreative, for being there to support me all these times.

It was early in the morning of April 15, 2007 when the worst thing imaginable happened. A disgruntled fangirl had attacked Ouran High School, looking for the Hitachiin brothers in hopes for using them for her twincest fantasies. She was apprehended by the Ootori Secret Police and has been questioned and released, providing that she has been served with a restraining order stating that she cannot come within three hundred feet within the school grounds. Her name is Mary Sue, and she is responsible for the catastrophe that will befall the students at Ouran.

"It has come to my attention that two of the You Do Dolls have gone missing. To be exact, the Hitachiin dolls have gone missing." Announced Kyouya to the entire Host Club. "We all know who is responsible for this. Mary Sue is angry with us for slapping a restraining order on her so she is retaliating by making the twins do perverted things to each other." He sighed and pushed his glasses up to the bridge of his nose. "On the day we have a school assembly to promote our new line of Haruhi Memorabilia."

The twins looked at each other with fear and said "Well then we have to cancel the assembly!" suggested Hikaru. "It is costing us millions of yen to erase people's memories from those stupid dolls!"

"Which is why we were holding the assembly in the first place. We will not cancel, but I have already dispatched the Ootori Secret Police to search the surrounding city."

"By the time they find the girl, it might be too late!" Hikaru roared. "She could have us groping each other in front of the entire school!" He got up and shook Kyouya "Or worse! She could make me get my wee wee in Kaoru's ass in seconds!"

Kaoru looked up with a raised eyebrow and said "And what makes you think you are the seme?" He walked over to his brother and said "Just because the ladies prefer when you are the seme while acting does not mean that you are in actuality the seme."

Hikaru's eye twitched when he heard his little brother say that and he smiled and said "Oh ho ho dear brother, it is I who is the seme. You are the uke as you always have been and always will be." He patted his brother on the head gently and walked away.

They were all intrigued to see that this was not going to be a refreshing brother fight, but an actual one. Kyouya, Hunny, Mori, Haruhi, Tamaki and Renge were sitting on the red couch eating popcorn watching the show. Kyouya had a video camera with him to document the sexiness of the twins for future generations.

"If we were a gay couple you'd so be my bitch, Hikaru!" Kaoru blurted out.

Hikaru looked up from the inaccurate school newspaper with a scowl. "What?" he asked, practically throwing the paper on the table with the thud of his fist.

Kaoru liked the feeling of sticking it to his brother, so with a coy smile, he said "You heard me. BITCH." Placing much emphasis on the word "bitch".

"I'd love to see you try!" said Hikaru, stunned that his normally calm brother would say those words. He was blushing from shyness and anger, but he could not tell which one yet.

"I can put you over this table and have my way with you!" he pointed down to the table.

"Whenever you're ready, UKE BOY!" Hikaru tempted him to do his worst,

Kaoru leapt up, and jumped on top of his brother, who was very surprised that Kaoru would actually do something like this. Kaoru then lifted him up and sat him on the table. He then forcefully kissed his lips, and proceeded to lift up his uniform to reveal his smooth skin. He lifted his brother's uniform too and made his tongue lick the crevices of the chest muscles.

The other hosts looked at them with drool dripping from their mouths and blood dripping from their noses like rivers. Poor Renge was hospitalized due to massive blood loss. Hunny stopped looking and started making more popcorn with massive amounts of butter.

Unbeknownst to the host club, Mary Sue was not making them do this, but she was filming it for the entire school to see. She had hooked up a computer video camera set up on Kyouya's laptop and she could see what was going on in the third music room. It was also hooked up to a projector and was being aired on a big screen in the auditorium. The fangirls were going crazy in there and they all wanted a front row seat to the best show in town.

Kyouya had seen her motion him to the hallway, and he had to settle a deal with her. "Okay, I gave you the dolls and revoked the restraining order; now get out of here before the superintendent sees you." He pushed her to the door leading to the Black Magic Club's trap door to the commoner streets below. _Thank you for risking your life to come here and make profit for the Host Club. These tapes will be sold for millions!_ He thought to her as if she could hear what he was saying. Then he remembered that he had not taken away the dolls from her before showing her out the door.

Mary Sue had fun watching the twincest, but now was time to play. She grabbed the dolls and laughed evilly. She grabbed the one labeled "Kaoru" and whispered something in its ear She had removed the doll's pants as she did this and her eyes gleamed.

The tingling feeling had come over Kaoru and out of nowhere, he said the most obscene thing that had ever escaped his lips "I WANNA MAKE LOVE TO YOU WOMAN!" this was said directly to his brother, and his arms make an uncontrollable motion to his pants.

"What are you doing Kaoru?!" said Hikaru as he scrambled to collect their clothes. "Oh damn that girl found the dolls! She's controlling you!" He tackled Kaoru and pinned him to the ground. "Get a hold of yourself!" he smacked Kaoru in the face hard.

Kaoru woke up and kicked Hikaru off of him. "What the hell is your problem?!"

"First you challenge me for the title of seme, then you acted like a horny little teenager and now you act as if none of that happened!" He got up and saw all the swooning girls around them. _Kyouya you bastard._ He thought as he took his brother and went home.

Mary Sue had seen that Kaoru had broken the spell she had on him and wanted to make him pay. She wanted to make Hikaru pay too for helping him break the spell. She held the dolls side by side facing each other and made the one marked "Hikaru" close his fingers around the other's neck. She would also use Hikaru to talk directly to Kaoru.

Hikaru's hands and fingers went straight for Kaoru's throat, and he squeezed on it with all of his might. "I am not doing this, Kaoru!" He felt the tingle in his head and Mary Sue spoke through him. "So did you really think you could escape me? Now you both will pay with your lives. You by strangulation, and this one by execution. Maybe you will have time in the afterlife to spend together getting to know…" she stopped midsentience and Hikaru regained control of his body and let go of Kaoru. With tears welling in his eyes he sobbed "I am so sorry Kaoru! I did not mean it!" 

"Really?" Kaoru said sarcastically catching his breath.

"Kaoru! I swear it was not me!"

"You just wanted to get me back for trying to be the uke!"

"No! Kyouya had lifted the restraining order to make money off of us in a porn video!"

Kaoru had realized that he was probably right and he said "I am sorry for not believing you, brother." He bowed his head in his brother's presence. He then said with a laugh "I bet we will have enough money left over from the mass memory wipe to buy Haruhi some of mother's swimsuit designs." He thought of the one that was just a bunch of string and blushed.

The dead body of Mary Sue lay on the pavement, still spraying blood from the wound to the carotid artery. Kyouya had stood behind her with a machete that he had bought from a Jason convention in America when he last went. He had in his hands the cursed dolls, but they were inactive from the moment after she had died. Mori and Hunny were behind him, waiting to dispose of the body in meat pies, Sweeny Todd style.

Nekozawa had been waiting for them in the Black Magic Club and he had decided that enough was enough. He would deactivate them once and for all. He had made the circle and chanted the words and all the magic had disappeared from the dolls. The Host Club then took them out back and burned them into nothingness. All the memories were erased, and with the dolls gone for good the old times could resume and old friendships renewed.

END!


End file.
